Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
