I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
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