I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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