Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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