Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
