is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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