Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize