I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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