toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
