i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
