I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
