I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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