Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
