and you said cock pushups were impossible
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
