The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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