He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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