you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
