I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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