Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
