420 ftw
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
