Are we in a gay sports bar?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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