I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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