Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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