Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
