Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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