hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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