dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
