this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
