so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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