She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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