I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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