All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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