My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
