Need sex. Gaining weight.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
