The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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