so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
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There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
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Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The uberlube is also flammable
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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