I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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