Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
