A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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