I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
