My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
