i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Everyone says I win the strip club
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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