i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Randomize
