dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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