Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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