shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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