I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Are we still banned from the library?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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