i think my tv is drunk
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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