Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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