god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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