Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
